Who needs social media? It’s just a fad.

You might as well just use it for your own amusement, and here’s how to do exactly that, perfectly:

  • Post random cats, babies and seasonal vistas you like the look of. They’re #awesome!.
  • Share everything that catches your eye. It’ll save you writing anything yourself.
  • Pitch your latest service, offer or product five times a day. Your adverts look great.
  • Include links to external websites in every post, to make sure Facebook renders you completely invisible.
  • Keep changing your profile picture. Who cares whether anybody recognises you anyway?
  • Make sure your account is locked down to full privacy, so nobody can see anything you post. It makes us want you more.
  • Further to the above, make people message you first if they want to be your friend. We love jumping through your hoops.
  • Use scheduling tools for all your posts. Everyone loves the impersonal feel of automation. Mmmm, cold.
  • Upload that 2009 water-skiing shot for your new profile pic. We can almost make out the human outline.
  • Swear heavily at least once in each post. It makes you look like a badass and helps us educate our kids.

So there you have it. Make sure your social media sucks!

You’re welcome.

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