Who needs social media? It’s just a fad.
You might as well just use it for your own amusement, and here’s how to do exactly that, perfectly:
- Post random cats, babies and seasonal vistas you like the look of. They’re #awesome!.
- Share everything that catches your eye. It’ll save you writing anything yourself.
- Pitch your latest service, offer or product five times a day. Your adverts look great.
- Include links to external websites in every post, to make sure Facebook renders you completely invisible.
- Keep changing your profile picture. Who cares whether anybody recognises you anyway?
- Make sure your account is locked down to full privacy, so nobody can see anything you post. It makes us want you more.
- Further to the above, make people message you first if they want to be your friend. We love jumping through your hoops.
- Use scheduling tools for all your posts. Everyone loves the impersonal feel of automation. Mmmm, cold.
- Upload that 2009 water-skiing shot for your new profile pic. We can almost make out the human outline.
- Swear heavily at least once in each post. It makes you look like a badass and helps us educate our kids.
So there you have it. Make sure your social media sucks!
PS – This week on the Members-Only Secret Session we are going to be showing you how to live to be 100 in perfect health. Here’s how not to miss it, for £7